Welcome to the Blubber-Love Academy, also known as the Navy Seals Academy. You are the newest recruits, the cream of the crop, the future of the seal race. And I...I am going to be your teacher, your instructor, your friend, your enemy, your lover and your mom until you are ready to go out in to the world.
But first...there is a monster out there, pups and puppettes. A ruthless one. A killer like the world has never seen before. And it likes blubber. It likes seals. It likes you.
Do not be fooled by this cuddly little fur ball. It is not a teddy bear. It does not follow santa around in his sleigh and drink bottle Co-Co Cola, ladies and gentleman, this is a vessle of war, a machine of teeth that will not hesitate to rip you from flipper to flipper.
Evolution has bit us all in the fin cus these monsters live where we live and move when we move. They only live on the perimeter of this ice pack we call home, cus we live here. And when the weather changes and we are forced to move they are right behind us. And they are the largest predator that lives on the land. And the male can be twice the size of a female. Scared? You should be. Nature has blessed us with the mother of them all.
The fact is that there is a 99.999...999...nineninenine % chance that you will die of polar bear attack. My job is to equip you with the knowledge to help you survive. (point to paws). See these here paws? Short and stocky, great for gripping heavy ice and prey, like you. They have 42 teeth –one-two-three-four, skip a few, 42 and each and every one wants to kill you. These creatures are the love child of Satan and Voldemort and can use their magic evil hocusy pocusy to smell you up to one mile away, even if you are snug in your ice home (that just happens to be 3 feet deep).
And why don’t we just go underwater to hide, you ask?
Because of this.
They can swim! It can swim at about 6 miles per hour and cannot move much faster because it overheats easily. That may not sound like much but it is when you are dead.
Question #1: Don’t they hibernate, tho? Like Winnie the Poooooh?
NO! Nature has budgie-smuggled us once again. Polar bears are active year-round. Some people say that they go on a diet for several months when the ice is lower but don’t let that calm you. In the winter they will just be hungry and waiting and you will look like a ham hock to a starved dog, tanned from the summer sun.
Now, the polar bear's most common hunting method is called still-hunting which I just called fucked up. I had a student named Buttbreath once that didn’t listen during this lecture and the next day he went swimming, right close to here and came out for some air. The polar bear with its ungodly sense of smell, crouching near the surface, waiting like a problem child fetus waiting for birth, got a whiff of his breath and snatched the little pup. Buttbreath, always the joker, you have to be funny if your breath smells like ass, tried to worm his way out. He put on his best Little Red Riding Hood voice and said “My, how great big teeth-“ That’s as far as he got. The beast bit ButtBreath’s head straight through, crunching it like dead leaves under Rosie Odonnell’s feet.
They also will stalk you. And, listen carefully: You will not see it. It will kill you. It will be on you before you know it, before you can breath, before you can think. How do you think I lost my eye? You’d think they wouldn’t be able to sneak up on a seasoned Navy Seal like meself, and you’re right to think that, but they have the power of invisibility!
Yes, you there.
Question #2: My father told me that the reason you can’t see them is because they’re so stealthy and their transparent fur causes them to look white and to blend into the ice, so they appear invisible. But they’re not really invisible.
You can believe whatever fantasy mumbo jumbo you want but while you are here under my care, they’re invisible! You go by that and you can’t go wrong. And for all you studs out there looking to mate, the polar bears have been known to seek out AND raid female nests. But that’s their problem
Now, there have been some budget cuts from our main funder, March of the Penguins – they’re sympathetic with our cause – but I was able to get footage of a polar bear eating its prey. Beware, it is graphic.
Question #3: Do polar bears live at the South Pole, too?
Answer: No, they don’t
Same Questioner: Then why don’t we all just move there?
Ok, how about a question from someone who is using more than two brain cells. Yes, you there.
Question #4: So what do we do? What do we doooo?
I’m glad you asked that! Humans! I’ve been hearing from a very reliable source that Voldemort and Sauron’s army have been battling with Gandalf and Dumbledore and all their magical wastes are heating up the earth!!! As the ice melts the polar bears will have no where to live.
Question #5: Won’t that be bad for us too?
I’m a fighter, not a fortune teller! Now where was I? Ah…yes! Soon the humans will come to the North Pole to try to fix their mess. My plan is for us to stay hidden as long as we can and then the polar bears will get hungry and hunt the humans.
And then seals will inherit the earth.
Any other questions? No. Good.