Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Committment

The short story is, I'm employed. The long story, well, that will come with time.


I have made a commitment to write in this blog daily. It should be easier now since I have the cushion of employment and any free time I have I don't feel like I should be looking for work.

Posts to look forward to:


  • Finishing of cross-country trip.
  • Unemployment chronicles - basically telling about being unemployed....entertaining, trust.
  • Tom's Life
  • Book reviews (just finished House of Leaves)
  • Short Stories
  • Commentary on my own writing projects
  • Six Sentences Publication
  • Movie/Video games reviews (got my Xbox back...and don't feel too guilty to use it).
  • Dream Journal in full effect.
Bring it on.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Still here, still writing.

The job search sucks. As I was telling my friend, it's like playing one of those long RPGs (think Pokemon), putting in 40 or so hours, leveling up all your little furry friends, and then BAM! Save is deleted. Maybe you dropped it in the toilet or a lunchbox juice exploded in your pants pocket during flag football (actually happened to me some 10 years ago). Either way, now you have to start all over. The first time, it was fun, exciting, intriguing to see yourself progress and get that much closer to victory.

But the thought of starting from scratch and doing everything again...it's too much. Especially if there's a good possibility that the save will just magically delete itself again.

That's how this job thing feels. In the beginning, you get out about 20 job apps a day. You're excited about your leads, feel good when you get called in for interviews, and at the end of the week you feel like you're that much closer to being employed. Then stuff starts to fall through, other candidates get picked, and people send you e-mails that start with 'Thank you for applying to...' Yeah, those can't end good. Before you know it, it's square one, and going through all those endless pages of job openings isn't as exciting anymore.

That's my short rant and basically where I am in life. But, the good news is that I'm still writing, in one form or the other. I'm still determined to be the next Stephen King, so watch out world! I'm now blogging for WatchMissedEpisodes.com, basically doing opinion pieces about some of the television shows they feature. Anything to get my name out there, really. Still at Scribophile.com and TheCelebrityCafe.com. Still have my novels that I should go ahead and try to get published already. Once I have a job, though, it'll be a lot easier to justify spending time on these types of things.

On the bright side, things are going pretty well. My hope was to have a job before Christmas, but sometimes things just don't work out that way. But I do have a wonderfully supportive family and friend-base. And my typing fingers still work, so what's there to complain about?

-Justin C. Key

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Finished Under the Dome

Wow. it definitely went in a an unexpected direction. But it was satisfying (mostly). I'm working on an analysis for Scribophile.com now and a review later for TheCelebrityCafe.com

-Justin Key

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Twitter Horror Story

If I get 1000 votes in the next 24 hours, I will rite a short story that involves Twitter and post it here on my blog.

Here's the link: Vote. For. ME!

Ok, let's make it happen!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Scribophile.com, Suite101.com, and TheCelebrityCafe.com articles on the side...

What's up, everybody. Part of the reason that I have not been writing in this blog is because I've been writing so much for other things.


Scribophile is an online writing community and its owner, Alex Cabal, recently took me on as one of three blog writers. I write for them every Wednesday. Generally I put up writing advice, especially since this is NaNoWriMo, but I want to try out book reviews/analyses and more conversational topics in the future.


TheCelebrityCafe is the Internet's oldest entertainment news site. I currently intern with them, writing 20 articles a week (10 hours) in their entertainment features section. The internship is for 3 months and hopefully it will lead to something bigger...?


Suite101 is an online magazine with regular people like you and me as writers. I've been slacking on this the most because, like this blog, it isn't a committment but rather something I do out of enjoyment. I want to start writing there again, maybe a post per day.

I've managed to get 'feeds' of my writings for all of these sites on to the side bar of this here blog. Peruse if you will and always feel free to comment however you may like.

Man, this blog is becoming like one big 'ole resume. I can dig it.

The Return of J.Key, With Under the Dome Impressions

It's been a while since I posted, amidst job search, car crash (!!!), and...well, mainly job search. But I want to return to my blog. Here are a few quick updates that I hope to return to in more detail later:

  • I write for TheCelebrityCafe.com. I write 20 entertainment articles weekly. Anyone know how I can get a side-bar on this blog that displays links to the articles I've written? That would be awesome.
  • I still write for Scribphile.com. My latest post: Weird As Fiction
  • I'm moving on to the next round of the Sam-E Good Mood Gig! Woo!! Now I just have to make a hot-fire video in the next few days.
  • I'm broke.
  • I got a parking ticket the other day. Damn street sweepers and their 'don't park here for 3 hours out of this random weekday' rule. 
  • I moved to Oakland. Got an apartment and everything.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to get to the meat of it. I was pondering on whether or not to buy Stephen King's Under the Dome. It's the latest, hottest thing in the book-world, but it's 22 bucks at my local target (and this is discounted from its list price of 35!). I stood in Target for no less than 10 minutes, looking at the monster of a novel, and then put it back. Just don't have the money. But through some self-convincing, I decided to go back and get it, read about 50-100 pages a day, and write about my experience with it each day. I figure this would not only be a cool thing to do, but may attract readership to the blog while the book is still hot. And then, once done, I want to post reviews on here (of course), on Suite101.com (before they kick me off for lack of activity), maybe TheCelebrityCafe (if I get the green light) and an analysis on Scribophile.com.

Also, look forward to me finishing my cross-country roadtrip stories and starting the 'Employment Chronicles" (Title Pending) in the near future.

-Justin C. Key

Friday, October 16, 2009

Cross-Country Trip: Day 2: The Long Road



Day 2 was all about driving. The open road. Putting the pedal to the medal. Getting from point A to B and whatever other phrases you can think of. I think Day 2 was when I drove the whole day. I opted to do it, and at first Johanna laughed at my request, but I figured I needed driving practice time in and I was starting to enjoy going 90 on those long stretches of nothing-road.

The plan was to drive all day to the Mt. Rushmore area and find a hotel there so we could go and visit first thing in the morning. So far, so good. Only thing was we slept til about 10 a.m. and were lethargic in getting our day started. But we finally got a move on, packed up, and checked out.


Remember I mentioned the toll charges? Well, my Tom-Tom has a feature to avoid the toll lanes so we decided to try it out. It made for an interesting morning. About 30 minutes into the trip we realized that the roads we were on all looked like they hadn't been paved since afros were in style. We were officially in the backroads of America and I started thinking stuff like 'hmm, we could probably find a little farm that sells bunny rabbits on this road.' I was a little worried about the wear and tear on my car (consistently, about every 30 or so miles there was a sign that said 'bump' which should have said 'HOLY SHIT, SLOW DOWN!'), but the change in scenery was worth it. It was the kind of setting you think of when you hear of Little House on the Prairie (minus the racism) or what you see in those cheesy commercials where people are running through meadows.

Nevertheless, it was agreed that from now on we'd just pay the damn toll. But, luckily, all the tolls were behind us anyway.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. We listened to The Shack by William P. Young (first time author, but doesn't he just sound like he should be famous?) on audiotape along the way. I had already listened to it (which reminds me, I should post a review of it...also a post about audiotapes...ding ding ding, ideas!), but it was Johanna's first time. Without going much into it, it's basically the story of a father who loses his daughter to a serial killer and a struggling faith in God. Interesting, to say the least. But, again, we'll return to that later.

Another notable thing is that we stopped at a shop in Minnesota. It was a colorful store with quilts and dolls and hats and all kinds of other randoms. I didn't see this myself, but Johanna told me inside that she ran across an Omish man and they continued to stare eachother like they couldn't believe what they were seeing. I guess he'd never seen a real life black person and Johanna a real life Omish (or maybe she'd never seen an Omish intrigued by a black person). either way, I immediately remembered that M&M commercial where they meet Santa:


We got into Rushmore territory pretty late and discovered that we should have booked a hotel ahead of time: all of them seemed to be full for the weekend. We finally found this place with a room for 49 bucks. The cheapness was kind of scary, but it was a room and the Yelp comments weren't too bad. Either way, we had a place to rest our heads. And we'd need it, because the next day we were Mt. Rushmore and Yellowstone bound.

-Justin C. Key

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cross-Country Trip: Day 1, Part 2: The Drive to Chicago



First off, did anyone notice I spelled Chicago wrong in part 1? My bad, guys.

Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, Chicago. One thing I left out in Part 1 was that there were hella hella stupid doo-doo dumb retarded tolls. Literally every 50 miles. It made for interesting developments on day 2, but we'll get to that later.

The first thing I remember about Chicago? The traffic. MY GOD! First off, I'm already dead tired from the overnight and lack of ability to get good sleep in the passenger's seat, it's my turn to drive, and this was my first time experiencing heavy traffic. Since I included the part about Johanna's ticket, it would probably be unfair if I did not include that this trafficky, tired part of the day made me very grumpy. It's not something I'm proud of, but there, I admit it.

We finally arrived to the hotel at about 3:30. We were seriously tempted to just stay in and sleep, but it's Chicago! I'd never been. She'd never been. So we sucked it up and went out to explore. The plan was the Willis Tower and then some good ole Chicago pizza. We decided it might be easier to drive. Big mistake. It's funny, because on the way to the hotel our side was bumper to bumper and the other direction was pretty free flowing. Same stuff when we went back the same way we came: the traffic flow had switched. It was like Chicago was f'ing with us.



We finally made it to the Willis Tower and commenced operation Look Like a Tourist. This consisted of pictures, pictures, and more pictures. We took the 'tour' which first consisted of a movie telling about the history of Sears Tower and how recently Sears has been going under, the tower was bought out, and the name was changed to the wimpiness it is now. Us and a few other people got to the movie part right after they closed the doors and it was 14 minutes til the next showing so the people in front of us took it upon themselves to force entry. We just went along with it and tried to take quick seats as we heard an attendant shouting that we couldn't do that. Nothing ever became of it.



The coolest part was the top view. We got there right around dusk so we were able to see the city in the dying daylight and in all its glory at night. They even had this glass ledge that you can go out on, look down, and feel like you're standing in thin air. It was kind of surreal, but it also didn't look as far up as I thought it would.




Next stop was random Chicago pizza joint. We ordered a classic Chicago-style pizza and what we got was a big chunk of melted cheese on a thin layer of bread. Oh, and I think there were some other things mixed in there as well. It was ok, at best, at the time, but it made for crappy left overs the next day.

The good news is that the traffic back was a breeze. No, that's a damn lie. It was still terrible. And for some reason I still opted to drive. Maybe it made me feel like I had a right to be cranky if I was at least doing the driving. I don't know, maybe you psycho-analysts out there in web-world can help me out. Either way, we were back to the hotel soon, ready to rest up, and that much closer to California.

-Justin C. Key

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Best Job In the World


Remember way back in the beginning of 2009 there was a slight buzz over this job that paid $100k for 6-months of enjoying the Great Barrier Reef, trying out free spa services, and basically sitting on your ass all day? Oh, and feeding the fish was one of the grueling responsibilities, too. Apparently Australia's tourism industry was suffering and they came up with the idea of paying someone a ridiculous amount of money to be pampered, enjoy the high life, and keep up a blog that would ideally increase interest in visiting that continent that we love to call a country, and vice versa.

Naturally, I jumped on the opportunity.


I had just spent three months in Australia as part of Stanford's overseas study programs. It was one of the best experiences of my life--all 22 years and 4 months of it. Along with 47 of my peers, I traveled all up and down the Australian East Coast, from Stradbroke Island to Brisbane to Cairns back down to Heron Island on the Great Barrier Reef and then to Sidney. Hands down, our time on Heron Island was the most memorable. Sure, we still had class regularly (every morning at 8 am to be exact), but our days still consisted of independent morning snorkels, mid-day volleyball with the professors, evening tanning sessions on the beach, and the occasional night snorkel (those were fun, if not a bit eerie).


We spent a total of two weeks at Heron and I imagined that my experience with The Best Job in the World (aka: Island Reef Job) would be quite similar, plus 5.5 months and minus 47 peers and 5 professors. To apply, all you had to do was submit a 60 second video (not a second more) telling why you are the man (or woman, in my case it was the former, so please: no misogyny accusations) for the job. Piece of cake, right? Wrong. In my defense, I have no video editing experience and did all of this in one night, and I think I did pretty well, considering. But some of the people who applied must work for Pixar, I swear.

My mother told me about the job, coincidentally, right after I had stumbled upon it myself. It had been posted on Yahoo!, so I knew there would be a lot of contenders. I would have started on it earlier, but that time-sucking leech of a burden you may know as college was well under way. In fact, I think the deadline was right around mid-terms. So, as things like this usually do, the time kept ticking by and ticking by and soon I was in danger of missing the deadline. So I dedicated a weekend, locked myself in one of the classroom buildings with my computer, a rented camera, and some (limited) food. The plan was to come up with a powerpoint on myself and do a presentation (on myself) in a comical, in-your-face sort of way, and film it. I had done something like this before in Australia (Blubber Love Academy) with good enough result. The presentation, as you'll see in the video, I was pretty proud of but wish I had used an HD-camera so that all the little details would shine through. In the end, my hope was that whoever was viewing these videos would first be intrigued by my charisma and overall presentation and then on subsequent views be able to unravel more from the video, like a colorful ball of yarn with a present in the middle.

I shot it myself using a tripod and basically went through the whole presentation multiple times from multiple angles. The editing was the hardest part by far. They were pretty serious about the 60 second limit and I remember getting it down to 80 seconds and not knowing how I would compress anymore. It's interesting because the fast-paced on-crack nature of the final result is because I went over it many times deleting almost all the spaces in between. So there really is no time of me doing nothing. I forget exactly how I got down to 60 seconds, but I kept chipping away over and over until it meet the criteria.

I finished the video about 12 hours before the upload deadline. Then guess what happened? It wouldn't upload. The servers were being flooded. The worst part was that I'd have to wait about 20 minutes of it acting like it was uploading just to see the error screen at the end. During this time, I read FAQ posts on the site that said, despite the technical difficulties, videos that did not make it up by the deadline would not be considered, no exceptions. It was a bad 12 hours. I was already sleep-deprived and fell asleep a few times beside the computer. For about 6 or so hours it wouldn't upload and I was really beginning to think that, after all of that, I just wouldn't be able to do it. Finally, it randomly went through.

But my worries weren't over.

The FAQ also made it clear that the time limit was to be strictly enforced. Any videos that were over 60.00 seconds were disqualified. The scary part about this was that the site recognized that some video programs would record a second or more difference from what they were using in a video's length but, for fairness, they had to measure everyone's under the same standards. In other words, I could have a program that said my video is 59 seconds, but if the program the judges are using says it's actually 61 seconds, it's disqualified. So, even after mine uploaded, I was fearful of the dreaded rejection email.

In the end, I received an email saying that my upload had gone through successfully. I could tell you in detail what happened after that, but this post is about the creative process and obviously I'm not chilling somewhere in Australia right now, so you can guess the outcome. Long story short, my video wasn't short-listed as part of the 50 that viewers would vote on. Nevertheless, here is the video for your viewing pleasure...and hopefully I never run for office.


-Justin C. Key

Friday, October 2, 2009

Cross-Country Trip: Day 1, Part 1: The Drive to Chiago

We set off at midnight. I'd tried to get an ample amount of rest beforehand, but that didn't go too well. Still, on top of the one hour of napping, I had spent 2 hours laying down with my eyes closed, so maybe that would count for something? My car was already packed and all that was left to do was to say my goodbye's--see-you-later's as my grandma would have preferred. This part wasn't as hard as you may expect, considering I had left home for school in California 4 years before. In my eyes, that was when I 'moved out' and this past summer was just me visiting home again. Either way, my mother was there to see me off.

I've always been bad with directions. This little fact combined with a week old license and a car that had been in my possession for the same amount of time ensured that I'd get nowhere without a GPS. That day I had gone out and got one of the TomTom's. I set it up meticulously and then went on my way. I had never driven at night alone before, so I tried to pretend TomTom was that side-seat driver. All was going well until I took the wrong exit en route to the airport to pick up Johanna. Of course, it quickly re-calibrated and told me which way to go, but it felt like it was taking me in circles for a long time after that. Seems I had spent 10 minutes trying to get back to a mile before the exit I had wrongly taken. Johanna's flight was delayed, so it all worked out anyway.

Johanna drove the first leg. It had been her idea to start off early so that we could get to Chicago in the afternoon and spend the rest of the day there. She'll probably be mad that I told you all this, but she got a speeding ticket within the first hour of the trip. She was shocked to discover that the speed limit had been 55 instead of 65. Needless to say, she drove 5 miles under the rest of the way, but it was the first and last ticket of our journey, for both of us.

At 900 or so miles, the drive from DC to Chicago is about 13 hours, give or take a gas station and breakfast stop. The first few hours of driving in the dark was pretty uneventful, but a smooth ride going at 50 mph. Around sunrise, it started getting light outside (I promise I'm not slow for that statement) and we stopped for some breakfast at Denny's. It would be my turn to drive next so, naturally, I had about 3 cups of coffee: I was only going off of two hours of car-sleep.
While at the diner, we met a cute middle-aged-making-their-way-to-elderly couple who were also traveling to Chicago. When we told them we were doing cross-country, they said that they had before as well and had taken almost the same path we were destined upon. It was a nice little conversation, knowing that you weren't the only crazies on the open road, at 6 am no doubt. The breakfast was good, too. Honestly, I forgot what I had, but I remember that it was good.


While I drove, Johanna took it upon herself to take pictures to chronicle our journey. I tried making it so that these pictures are beside eachother, but that didn't work. If anyone knows how to, please leave a comment.







































































































And, I swear, we came across two of these set-ups along the way, about 2-4 hours apart! From the gas station, to the Hardees, to how the huge bathroom was set-up inside (that was the freaky, I-must-be-in-the-Matrix part), these two locations were IDENTICAL. PS: Ignore the date on these photos, that's just a result of me not fixing the settings on my camera.


Soon, as heavy fatigue and road-grumpiness was starting to set in, we began to see signs of the big city. And this is where part 1 of day 1 ends and part 2 will commence.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Cross-Country Trip: Introduction

A couple weeks ago, just under 20 days after getting my driver's license, I finally set out to move to California. I decided to drive for a couple of reasons: I had just gotten my first car and the shipping costs would be ridiculous and I thought that a cross-country would be a good way to get used to driving. I felt that I needed to learn--and learn fast--since the goal is to live in LA....and I've heard LA driving ain't no joke. I must admit, I was pretty apprehensive about the trip. Just try to put yourself in the shoes of a 22-year-old who'd just finished college, had never sat behind a wheel prior to two months ago, and had 3,200 miles of unadulterated road ahead of him with the heavy burden/worry of not crashing the car that's supposed to last you the next few-several years (oh, and let's not forget the chance of dying part). Scary, huh?

I set off Thursday night/Friday morning at midnight from Washington, DC with my girlfriend. The itinerary took us to Chicago to Mt. Rushmore to Yellowstone to the Bay Area over a span of four days. I want to spend a blog post for each day--pictures and all--because I think it is deserving of such. Tomorrow will be the first, chronicling the overnight drive to the windy city and a great, if not tiring, all-day stay. This post is just a place-holder and a motivation for me to get these posts in sooner than later, so check back tomorrow!

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Move to LA: Driving

School's over. Summer's coming to a lament-filled close. I feel like I just got home, fresh diploma in hand, ready to catch up on 1001 hours of sleep debts, and now it is August. And, technically, the second week of August, at that. I have caught up on sleep (more or less), visited family, friends, sparked new relationships, and now I have about a month until I setting out on the road for California. When will I return? Who knows.

Typical post-grad story, huh? Well, not quite. There's a lot of 'growing' that
needs to be done in the next month, so to speak. I don't necessarily mean maturity-wise, but rather there are certain things that I lack that most 22 year olds have. Like a license. And a car. I would say and a job, but I don't think I am much behind on that one.

I grew up in DC where pretty much everything is accessible by subway train and/or metro bus. On top of that, my mother hasn't driven since her 20's. I remember, like most teenagers, being eager to attain my license when I turned 16. Had my mom print out the information so that I could study for the test and everything. I forget exactly why, but procrastination crept up on me. And then, before I knew it, it was time to go to college. While at college, I considered my inability to drive on of my best-kept secrets (or maybe it wasn't...you tell me, guys). I definitely had the desire, but not the time. The years rolled past.


So the summer after my senior year found me carless, licenseless, and, ultimately, LA-bound. Bus and metro (does LA even have those?) just wouldn't do. I had three months to catch up. I visited my cousin, Neil (who lives down in Martinsville, VA, where my mom grew up) with the goal of learning how to drive in a week. The first day we went around and around and then in and out of a parking lot for a couple of hours, learning the basics, and then the next day my cousin decided it was a good idea to just put me on the open road at night. All in all, I'm still alive, Neil's truck is in the same condition as before, and Neil was usually more nervous than I was. Oh, and I learned how to drive (minus parallel parking).

Now all I need to do is make it official. Because of my ripe old age of 22 it seems that I could very well go in this Monday to get my permit and then come back Tuesday to take the road test. To be honest, it took me a while to find this reality actually written out, whereas before I had just seen webpage after webpage talk about the requirements for 'under 21' that I assumed these didn't apply for someone my age. I also guessed that the absence of specific instructions for me age group was due to the assumption that no one would ever need to look for that info. The plan now is to go in and take written test this Thursday the 6th (and with questions like "when is the road most slippery: 2 hours after it rained, right after it has rained, 5 days after it rained, or 1 week after?" I think it's safe to say I'll pass), practice driving a little bit more with my permit and learn how to parallel park, and then go in for road test on Monday the 17th. Kinda scary that someone can actually go from never touching a steering wheel to a licensed driver in less than 2 months, huh? Believe it.



Then that very weekend I'm making a trip up to New York and will probably get a rental car. What better way to try my new driving then on the streets of The Big Apple? I predict that it will be like my cousin Neil, whereas someone else will be a lot more nervous than I will be. Just look at that picture: isn't it just beautiful?


And then there's the part of getting a car. I've been looking with a price range of about $3-5k. I've already found some interesting things and have already almost been the victim of internet scamming. This whole car search doesn't seem to be that difficult, though, and I honestly think I'll have one in my possession right around the same time as that license. But then there's car insurance, tags, gas, blah, blah, blah. What a joy.

By now, after reading all of this, you may have forgotten the scariest part: the cross-country trip. Yep, the plan is to drive 2855.76 miles from Washington, DC to Stanford (spending a couple weeks at my alma mater before heading down to LA) during Labor Day Weekend. Don't worry, though, I'm not taking the trip alone. And I figure it's a great way to purge myself into a driver's realm: everything else about this transition has been on the fast track, anyway.



All in all, I'm excited about this. And this is just Part I of my Move to LA post. The next will be about the job search. I think I'll post it under 'Horror.'

Friday, July 31, 2009

Healing Through Writing (Letter From My Cousin).

If you've ever read Richard Matheson's What Dreams May Come (and if you haven't, you should), then you might remember what might have been meant to be a small plot point, but what stuck out forever in my memory. In the book, it said that some of the great writer's were directly inspired by spirits transmitting ideas from 'heaven.' My memory gets fuzzy on the specifics, but it struck a cord with me because I recall thinking that if the type of heaven that this book outlined really does exist, would one of its spirits connect with a writer's imagination to put that existence on paper? I.E., could this book be a hint on what the afterlife is like?

Of course, I don't have the answer for you. And, to be honest, it was more of a fleeting thought that arises from time to time on those lazy, thoughtful days rather than something I struggle with constantly. But one day, February 7, 2008, this concept popped back up quite unexpectantly and merged with the memory of my cousin who was shot dead 5 years ago. So I decided to write a letter. And it would be from my cousin, to me. I tried to just write without thinking and wondered if maybe his spirit would humor me.

I knew I needed some kind of background before I posted this piece, and there it is. With this letter, I don't know if I achieved my goal, but I like to think that some of my cousin's voice is in here, whether it's from that part of him that still lives inside me or directly from his heavenly spirit. I will say, though, that I used voice recognition software to 'type' this up (call me lazy) and I decided on a whim to add a word to a sentence, to make it sound better, I guess, and the voice recognition didn't catch it. It posted the sentence just like I have it written on the page. Probably coincidence. Maybe not. Either way, here is what my hand wrote some 17 months ago. Author unknown.

Sup cuz,

I'm not going to ask you how you've been because I've been watching, looking over, and I already know. Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing, as I know you will. Well, enough of that nerdy stuff. I just wanted to get the boring stuff out the way first.

It'll be about four years this summer. Time goes by, doesn't it. I know you've been hurting since, but you can't show that shit. You gotta be a man, I know I taught you better than that. Besides, the world was no place for me anyway. We didn't fit. I'm glad to be out. I do miss you, though, cuz.

You probably wondering. But it wasn't painful. It surprised me, but I hardly felt it. And I couldn't go out like no punk. I just kind of fell away. You'd have been proud.

Remember Halo, cuz? "Dumb ass Marines!" Haha. Never thought I'd hear you curse. I see you still play. That's good. You still behind on your gaming, though. I know school is important and all but that is too. To remember me at least.

Remember I told you I'd do anything for you? I meant that. I still would, if I could. I can still watch over. You'll never be alone, just remember me. All joking and games aside, though, I need you to do something for me. Never forget. Never give up on the path you've chosen. I chose mine and paid the price. I'd give anything to have taken yours. You are my inspiration. And still are.

Tell Aunt Pam I said hi. And I'm okay. It's nice up here. Yes, nigga, I said up here. God let me in. Much better than where I was in life and I don't have to prove I'm a man.

Take care of yourself and Aunt Pam. Y'all took care me. I love you, cuz.

-Douggie

Monday, July 27, 2009

Inspiration Through Tragedy

Five years ago this past Thursday, my cousin Michael Douglas Hairston was taken from this world in an act of violence that is so common to my home city, Washington, DC, that the event only received a paragraph in the next day's paper. We affectionately knew him as 'Douggie.' Being an only child and having cousins that were all mostly old enough to be already married with their own kids and family, Douggie was the closest thing that I had to a brother. He was about eight years older than me and would always come over to play video games, hang out, or just be around me and my mother. I always looked up to him, in that way that little kids look up to the figures in their lives that are grown but still young enough to remember what it's like to relate. He looked up to me, too, in a way, because of my success in school and being a 'good kid.' You see, my cousin had anger problems which translated to school issues and eventually a high school dropout. I saw him at his most vulnerable at times, frantic with tears that wondered what his place in this world was. I often remember him like that, but I try to keep the memories of the fun-loving jokester who would stay up late nights to play Halo, talk, or have pillow fights at the forefront of my mind.

I received the call while riding on a bus to the mall with a summer program I was in (MS Squared). My mother told me that she had bad news and that Douggie was dead. At first, it didn't really hit me. It was like hearing something happen to someone else, or watching a car crash from very far away. I remember the call ended shortly after that and then a new wave of reality and realization came over me. I called her back and we cried together. I asked how...why...when, these questions that wouldn't make anything better but they felt like maybe if I kept asking, maybe if I kept getting more information, something would change and my cousin would be alive. Because there is nothing quite as final as death. If you get a call that someone is sick or in the hospital, has cancer, been in a car crash, or even shot, you can still have hope. But once you hear those words 'he's dead' you think it must be some sick joke but you know...you just know that no one would joke like that and no hope can exist.

Douggie was shot and killed over an altercation that, if my information is correct, involved some women on DC streets in the middle of the night. He was DOA. In the papers, he wasn't named. All he had meant to me was reduced to '25-year-old man.'

The first time I wrote about Douggie was for my admissions essay to Stanford University. A little bit before I had gotten a piece printed in The Washington Post (In DC, A Life and Death Overlooked), but honestly, my mom wrote the bulk of that and wanted me to put my name on it because she writes to The Washington Post often and had exceeded her quota (or something). It felt kind of wrong so we agreed that I would change things up a bit and add my own writing to it. So it's about 50% my words and 50% hers. But anyway, in my essay I talked about Douggie's death, its impact on my life, and how I was more committed to helping people and lending a hand to those less fortunate so that they wouldn't fall by the 'wayside' like my cousin. I sometimes think that my essay is what got me in to Stanford and that is a haunting thought. Would I have been admitted if I hadn't wrote that essay? Even deeper, would I have been admitted if my cousin hadn't died?

I have had these thoughts for a while, but recently a special friend of mine put it the best (I think so, anyway):
"We are all handed specific outcomes in life which set us on particular courses none of which any of us think can bring our lives to an end. I am sure that at many pivotal points in your life you are gonna reflect on [Douggie], but also know that he created the ripple he was suppose to make and that his life is still continuing through those he impacted in life and in death. You are one of his ripples and your offspring will be as well."
It's hard for me to think that my cousin's life was meant to be some kind of inspiration for others, or some kind of lesson for us all to learn from. I don't doubt these wise words, but since his death I have often wished that we could trade places. Not on some 'I don't want to live anymore' tip, but moreso that I would want for him to be able to experience the same opportunities, successes, and joys that I have had. So it is bittersweet when I write about my cousin. In a way, I know he'd be proud and honored, but in another way I feel like I am exploiting his death, even though that is not my purpose at all.

More recently, my cousin has flowed into my creative works. In the novel that I want to write based on my experiences in Ecuador (Souls of Rain), I visualize the main character fleeing the States after committing murder in avenging his own cousin/brother's death. I even want him to be from DC. I often thought about what would happen if I had tried to go that route, the revenge route. I even know the name of the shooter. It was one of those thoughts that I knew I'd never actually act on or would never be more than just a thought, like when people dream of flying, having magic powers, or wanting to kill their boss (<--I guess some people DO do that, but just humor me). I guess that's also one thing about writing, you get to explore scenarios that connect to your own life, scenarios that just would have never worked out. Do I think it will bring some type of redemption or comfort? Not that specific part, but I think that exploring the emotional struggles of a character much like myself through writing can be both therapeutic and honoring.

I'm also working on a screenplay that's more tightly based on my cousin's death. There are a lot of questions that surround not only his death, but his life as well. Some of these things, I think, are too personal to divulge here, but certain truths came out after his death that just left a lot more things unanswered. In my screenplay I wish to explore those questions and provide my own kind of answers. It is my first attempt at a full-length screenplay.

I know that my cousin's life and death has had great affect on me. I still think about him a lot and the issues that I bring up here still haunt me. In the end, I hope that any work I create or path that I take that is inspired by his existence is something he would be proud of. Although I am not completely comfortable with being one of his 'ripples', if that's what God intended for me to be, then I plan to be one that reaches all the way to the ends of the pond so that everyone on shore will know not only my story, but his too.