Tuesday, April 22, 2014

#1: The Boner Bandits Rob a Magic Shop (Influenza and Parainfluenza)

Pinky and the Brain (known collectively as the Boner Bandits) were cursed by Felix the Magician after trying to steal a wand from his magic shop. He disconnected their abdomens from their legs, so that every time they jump, or fall, they have to be put together again!

To take their revenge, they plan to rob his shop!

They hire Buddy Love as the getaway driver. Love wasn’t cursed, and so is in one piece, but loves mayhem so is along for the ride. His getaway car is called the F-Bomb because when it’s time to go it can 'get the eff out of here', no matter the terrain! It’s especially needed for this job since it’s been snowing all day and thick, white snow covers every inch of every surface.

“You sure you don’t want to come in with us?” Pinky asks as Love parks around the corner from the shop.

“I’m a getaway driver,” Love says. “I never go in. I’m staying right here.” He puts his legs up and takes out a big Caesar salad, full of croutons.

“Suit yourself,” Brain says. He and Pinky check the magazines of their M2 Machine Guns and then holster them on the inside of their big fur coats. “Let’s go, Pinky.”

First Pinky and the Brain have to get past the Magic Shop’s defense: a magical ram tied to the roof that sings all day and night. His music prevents non-magicians from even getting close to the shop.

While Pinky waits by the entrance, Brian scales the side of the magic shop, using only a sword to dig into the concrete walls. A Nameless Sellsword who owes Felix a favor is supposed to be watching the ram, but he’s sleep on the job. Brain easily sneaks by him. The plan is to slaughter the ram, but now that Brain sees it, he finds sympathy. He instead cuts the ram free, then shoos it away by flapping the tails of his fur coat. The ram flees, jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Soon, the music is gone and the magical barrier is no more. Brain radios the go-ahead to Pinky, then sneezes over and over again as a strong wind blows dust in his face. The Nameless Sellsword begins to stir.

Down below, Pinky approaches the door with no trouble. The ram’s music wasn’t the only defense, however. The doors are locked and only the retina scan of a true wizard can unlock it. But Pinky and the Brain are ready! The day before they’d robbed the grave of a wizard and stole his eye. Pinky holds the eye up so that the scanner can see, unlocking the door. Delighted, he steps inside.

Felix has been expecting retaliation, and Pinky isn’t ready for the horrors of the Magic Shop and it’s loyal magicians. Pinky first encounters an old woman covered with bugs. Without thinking, Pinky rushes to help her. When he’s close enough, he sees that the bugs are not bugs at all, but rats! The old woman laughs, rises, and commands her pet rats to attack Pinky, who is able to kill many before the rest scurry off. But now the old woman (who looks a lot less helpless) is getting ready for her next attack: a fireball is forming at the center of her hands. Panicked, Pinky pulls out his gun, which makes his coat come off in slow motion, just like in the movies. One shot, and she goes down.

To Pinky's surprise, the woman immediately picks herself off the floor. In fact, she’s not an old woman anymore. She’s at least 20 years younger!

“I knew that resurrection spell would come in handy,” she said, brushing herself off. “Tell Felix that Mona took one bullet for him, but she's not taking two. As for you, call me sometime.” This New Mona kisses him on the cheek as she passes.

Meanwhile, sirens rage outside. The ram must have tipped off the police! Not only that, it’s the Magician police and they always have new and unusual ways of catching criminals. Today, they’re using their Synchronized Mastiff Unit: a pack of a hundred dogs, all barking in unison. It’s enough to drive any man crazy. In fact, their sudden presence startles Buddy Love so badly that he begins to choke on his crouton. They have him surrounded.

Inside the magic shop, Pinky advances cautiously. He just needs to find the cash register, and then he can leave. He turns down a hallway and finds a young magician boy, practicing his magic. The boy is wearing a shirt with the Ace of Spades on the front. When he sees Pinky wielding his gun, he does what any normal boy would do: he runs. There’s another boy still in the hallway, however. One Pinky didn't see a second ago. That's because this one is only a spirit. The ghost wears a crown on his head and a costume with lightning bolts on the right side, as if it's Halloween. Even as Pinky points his gun, the brave spirit charges and yells, ‘Ray to the rescue!’ If he were alive, Pinky would have surely thought him insane.

When the spirit boy runs through Pinky, his body goes weak all over. He loses his balance, trips, and his gun goes flying. Because of Felix’s curse, his torso lands in one direction and his legs in another. Before he can bring himself together again, Felix apparates out of thin air and snatches the gun off the ground. Grinning, he mounts it on a mantle. Pinky's legs make a run for it; his arms grab on to them.

On the roof, the Nameless Sellsword is really testing Brain's abilities! The Sellsword gets an opening and it looks like it's all over when he slices Brain through the middle. But Brain is already in two pieces from the curse! After this close call, he leaps over the side and quickly climbs down the wall. As he does, he sees the Magic Shop door bulging out in a very peculiar way. Brain recognize's Pinky's face pushing through from inside, frantically trying to escape! Brain slices at the elastic wall and frees his partner.

“Forget the cash, let’s get out of here,” Brain says. Pinky agrees. But the police have them surrounded. Thus ends the Boner Bandits' reign!

A week later, Brain’s cousin, Adrian, comes to pay Felix a visit. He doesn’t play games, he just burns down the magic shop.

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